How to Find Your “Why” Before Giving Away a Dime

Lessons from Families Who Chose Purpose Over Pressure

A few years ago, I met with a client who had recently received a major inheritance. She was in her mid-30s — thoughtful, accomplished, and a little unsure of what came next. “Everyone keeps asking me where I’m going to give,” she said. “But I don’t even know what I care about yet.”

That moment stayed with me. Because I’ve seen the same thing again and again: pressure to give before purpose is clear. It’s understandable. There’s a desire to do good, to honor family, to respond when people ask for help. But when families skip the step of defining why they want to give, the result is often fatigue, misalignment, and missed opportunity.

That’s why, whenever I advise a family considering philanthropy — especially a private foundation — we always start with the “why.”

It’s Not Just About Causes. It’s About Identity.

One of the most powerful conversations I ever witnessed was between a father and his adult children. They had gathered to discuss the family’s foundation goals. But instead of jumping into budgets or charities, we asked a different set of questions:

• What values define our family?

• What challenges have shaped who we are?

• What kind of world do we want to help build?

  
  

That conversation led to something extraordinary. They realized they all cared deeply about resilience — because they had lived it. The father had fled war as a child. The children had watched their parents rebuild from scratch. That insight became the heart of their giving: supporting refugee entrepreneurs and underserved youth.

Defining Your “Why”: A Few Starting Points

1. Look at What Moves You, Not Just What’s PopularI often ask clients to reflect on what makes them emotional — anger, sadness, hope. One client, a Hong Kong-born biotech founder, started crying while talking about his son’s learning challenges. Today, his foundation supports special education innovation across Asia.

2. Reflect on What You Don’t WantSometimes clarity comes from rejection. One American family living in Asia told me, “We want to fund impact, not galas.” That simple statement helped them focus on grassroots work, not institutional prestige.

3. Involve More Voices Than Your OwnWhen the next generation gets involved, the giving becomes richer. I’ve seen teenagers ask questions their parents never considered. I’ve seen shy spouses come alive when the topic shifts to something they care about. Purpose grows when it’s shared.

A Mission Statement Isn’t a Slogan — It’s a Filter

You don’t need perfect wording. But having a simple, clear mission helps filter out distractions. One client drafted a mission that said: We support innovative ways to build empathy and belonging in underserved communities. That sentence helped them turn down dozens of requests that didn’t align — and say yes with confidence when the right opportunity came along.

Tip: Good mission statements usually answer five questions:

• Who are we?

• Why do we care?

• What do we hope to change?

• For whom are we doing this?

• How will we try to make a difference?

You Can Always Evolve

I remind families that nothing is set in stone. What you care about at 40 may shift by the time you’re 70. One multigenerational family I worked with revisits their foundation’s mission every five years. It’s their version of a family retreat — part strategic, part spiritual.

Closing Reflection

Purpose isn’t something you download from a website. It’s something you uncover — slowly, honestly, and sometimes unexpectedly. When families take the time to ask “why,” the answers don’t just shape where the money goes. They shape how that money becomes a legacy.

If you're just starting this journey, take a breath. You don’t need to rush. Sit with the questions. Listen to your family. And most of all, listen to your own story. It already knows the way.